How to navigate family stress over the holidays without sacrificing your peace

Every holiday season brings the inevitable challenge of family gatherings—some joyful, others deeply uncomfortable. For Ryan and Sophia, a young couple with a baby daughter, Lily, the holidays had become a source of anxiety, not celebration. Ryan, a lawyer, and Sophia, a dental technician, had built a happy life in Washington, D.C., filled with love and stability. But their relationship hit a serious hurdle when it came time to visit Sophia’s family. What should have been a time of bonding quickly became an emotional burden that was putting a strain on their marriage.

Ryan had been struggling with anxiety for a while, and while he initially blamed work pressure and networking events for his unease, a deeper issue soon came to light during therapy. His anxiety wasn’t just triggered by his professional life—it stemmed from his visits to his wife’s family, particularly the interactions with her father. Sophia’s family lived in Boston, and every year, they would visit each other for extended periods—sometimes staying at their house in D.C., other times at her parents' home in Boston. For Ryan, these visits had become nearly unbearable, and it was beginning to affect his relationship with Sophia. The tipping point came when Ryan confessed that spending time with Sophia’s father was not only emotionally taxing but was creating a sense of dread that began to spill over into every aspect of his life.

This situation is all too common for many people: family relationships that cause emotional distress yet are considered mandatory or non-negotiable. But what if there’s another option? What if minimizing contact with toxic relatives—or even opting out of certain gatherings—could be a healthier approach?

Ryan and Sophia’s experience reveals that sometimes the key to preserving our mental health, and even our relationships, is setting boundaries and learning when to say no. It’s not always about avoiding family altogether, but recognizing when their presence becomes harmful, and taking steps to protect yourself from that harm.

A deeper look at toxic family dynamics

Ryan and Sophia’s dynamic with Sophia’s father was complex. Though Sophia adored her family, especially her mother, her father’s behavior had always been problematic. From belittling Sophia in front of relatives to undermining her career choices, her father’s verbal abuse was a constant source of pain. Ryan had witnessed this since their early days of dating, but things worsened after their marriage. On their wedding night, Sophia’s father whispered to Ryan, “I don’t know what you see in Sophia—good luck to you.” Ryan’s resentment toward Sophia’s father only deepened when the verbal abuse extended to him. This ongoing toxic relationship created tension between Ryan and Sophia, particularly when Lily was born and her father insisted on frequent visits despite the emotional toll it took on both parents.

When the holidays approached, Ryan knew that spending a week at Sophia’s parents’ house would push him to his limits. He dreaded being in close quarters with her father for so long. The pressure of this holiday visit weighed on Ryan so much that it began to cause significant strain in his marriage. His anxiety was a response to the trauma he had witnessed for years and the powerless feeling he had in the face of Sophia’s father’s toxic behavior. The real question was: How could they avoid falling into a pattern of self-sabotage when it came to family visits?

Navigating the family minefield

Many of us feel obligated to maintain close ties with our families, even when those relationships bring us more stress than joy. It’s easy to assume that family is a lifelong commitment, and that we must “make it work” no matter how difficult the dynamics are. But this mindset can be detrimental to your mental health and well-being. When we continually put ourselves in emotionally harmful situations, we end up sabotaging not only our own peace of mind but our relationships with others, especially our partners.

Ryan and Sophia’s challenge was not only about managing their anxiety but also about confronting the deeper issue of enabling an abusive relationship out of a misplaced sense of obligation. Sophia, despite her father’s abusive behavior, clung to the hope that if she just tried harder, things would improve. It’s a pattern that many of us unknowingly follow when we have a history of unreciprocated love or toxic family behavior. We hope, against all odds, that a change will come. But as Sophia’s story illustrates, this kind of hope can lead to repeated emotional pain, and it may take years to recognize that the relationship is unlikely to change.

Creating boundaries, protecting your peace

When I suggested to Ryan and Sophia that they reconsider their plans for the holiday visit, I proposed a compromise. Instead of enduring the full week in Sophia’s parents’ home, what if they limited their stay to a few days and booked a nearby hotel? That way, if things got tense, they could take breaks and escape to a quiet space where they could decompress. They were initially reluctant, but the more we discussed it, the more they saw the potential benefits. It was a small change that gave them control over the situation, rather than letting the family dictate their emotional state.

When they returned after the holidays, they were elated. The new arrangement had worked perfectly. On the first day, Sophia’s father had once again resorted to his hurtful behavior, but instead of enduring it, Ryan and Sophia took Lily and left for the hotel, where they spent a peaceful afternoon. When they returned the following day, Sophia’s father was quieter, perhaps realizing that his behavior was no longer going unchallenged.

Start setting your own boundaries

The idea of minimizing family interaction can feel radical, but it’s an essential step toward preserving your mental health, especially when family members contribute to emotional harm. While the holidays may not be the time to completely sever ties with family, it’s crucial to acknowledge when a relationship has become toxic and to take proactive measures to protect yourself.

Ask yourself:

• Does spending time with family contribute to or detract from my happiness?
• Am I holding onto false hope that certain family members will change, even when their behavior remains hurtful?
• How much time is too much when visiting family?
• Who are the primary sources of stress in my family, and how can I create distance from them?
• Is there a way to alter the logistics of family visits to create more space for emotional breathing room?

Sometimes, making small changes—whether it's limiting the time you spend with family, staying in a hotel, or creating emotional boundaries—can make a world of difference. By doing so, you not only protect your own mental health but also strengthen your relationship with those who matter most, including your partner. The holidays can still be joyful, but they don’t have to come at the cost of your peace.